“Catholic” Marriage in the Philippines

The conversation on legalizing divorce in the Philippines continues unabated in my circles, and last night’s discussion led me to an AHA! moment.

It is common knowledge that the Philippines is “a Catholic country”. However, lately it’s become clearer that many Filipino Catholics have not internalized their faith. It is but natural, therefore, that the Catholic approach is too often seen as harsh, unfeeling, or out of touch, even by those whom we expect or hope would know better. We wrestle with finding an answer that would explain the unremitting tug-o-war between Church and state, and a solution that satisfies all. Where do Truth, Love and (perceived) Need intersect?

We assume that Filipino + Catholic + marriage = a predictable, positive result, but it’s high time we asked hard questions and faced painful facts:

I am waiting for the official quote and reference from a friend who knows these things, but according to him, only 30% of marriages in the Philippines are Catholic marriages, surprising in a country that’s supposedly 90% Catholic! It’s yet another sign that there are deep-seated problems which need addressing.

In online discussions over weddings, concerns over cost seem to overshadow everything else. Many think that it costs thousands to get married in church, but closer inspection shows this is untrue. See this 2013 breakdown of wedding costs in one of the Philippines’ major cities. Of the total estimated average wedding cost of PHP250,000-500,000 (about $5,650-11,300), PHP5000 (roughly $113) goes to the church, a measly 1-2% of the total cost. Air-conditioning in a tropical country is costly, so tack on an additional $300 or so for electricity and you have a whopping PHP20000 or $452 as your “church cost”. Clergy have also tried to assuage the cost concern by offering free or low-cost mass weddings. It helps, but misunderstandings still abound.

Touristy spots and historical settings, patriotism, old world architecture and sentimentality, the sound system (yes, I’ve heard this), the perfect combination of food and wine… all these figure in many wedding plans. Notice that they don’t constitute THE ONE NEEDFUL THING: the Sacrament of Matrimony.

Other problems surfacing:

– People equating “Catholic wedding” to “Catholic marriage”.
– Too many wrong expectations of what marriage is, not to mention Catholic marriage.
– A horrifying lack of intentionality with regards to following Church teaching.
– People want the blessing, but the rules are seen as burden, hence the Church becomes the enemy when they want out.
– Church wedding/blessing is little better than superstition, something people regard lightly but nevertheless partake in to avoid reproach or ruffling feathers.
– Fulfilling cultural expectation, wanting to satisfy the demands of family, friends, authority figures. “It’s what we do.”
– Marriages of mixed faiths, where one of the spouses is a faithful Catholic and the non-believer agrees to have a Catholic wedding, simply to appease.
– Modern ideas taking hold, people equating happiness with warped concepts of liberty and license.
– Permanence and indissolubility, the cornerstones of a Catholic marriage, are foreign concepts. Nice sounding, but not necessarily applicable to reality.

What’s really going on? We may all be using English (or Filipino), but we are definitely NOT speaking the same language. Our conversations amount to nothing, when our definitions of truth, sanctity, marriage, happiness, love, vocation, family, sacrament, are fundamentally different. That’s where the severe disconnect comes from.

There is no magic trick that will make it all better. There are those who will continue to see divorce as panacea even after the havoc that it’s wreaked on families and societies in other countries. But there IS a solution for anyone wanting to get married from here on out. If you think about it, it’s the simplest one.

Parents shouldn’t expect adult children to suddenly act Catholic when they didn’t do what it takes to make sure their children grow to own their faith. If we want our children to have the blessing of the Church on their marriage, then by golly, we need to take our Church and our Sacraments seriously, and that means living the faith at home. It’s unrealistic and unfair to expect people to embrace what a Sacrament is all about when they don’t even know what it means.

Clergy needs to support the parents in this endeavor. They need to do a better job teaching from the pulpit, so their parishioners don’t just receive Sacraments blindly. This applies to all Sacraments, of course, not just Matrimony.

Schools need to decide whether they’re Catholic or not; there shouldn’t be compromise in this area at all. If a school doesn’t intend to teach and uphold Catholic teaching, then they really shouldn’t advertise themselves as Catholic. That’s deception, period. Parents need the reassurance that whatever they teach at home isn’t undermined at school.

All the above — parents, clergy, and schools — have to actively work together in the formation/information of children. We’ve had enough of the pretense; now let’s get back to basics and do things right.

Couples looking to marry need to figure out what they really want, and honest discernment is needed here. As a friend put it, “Till death do us part” HAS to count for something. In the Catholic Church, we take these words to heart, and for good reason.

Belief and action go together. A Catholic wedding does not a Catholic marriage make, any more than going to Mass at Easter and Christmas makes one a practicing Catholic. If a couple doesn’t like Church teaching, they really shouldn’t get married in the Church. When they want out, there won’t be a problem. They get a civil wedding, and if they ever need to, they can get a civil annulment. No beef with the church necessary. End of story.

Helpful reading: Ten Things Every Catholic Should Know About Marriage