1. Once a year, consider that perhaps this year, you could save a few hundred dollars on groceries if you would JUST pay attention to sales AND coupons.
2. Subscribe to your local paper, preferably the Sunday one, so you could get “subscriptions” to all the sale ads in the area, as well as get a ton of coupons for groceries, restaurants, etc.
3. Note that you’ve already saved 25 cents an issue by subscribing to the paper instead of buying it at the grocery store every Sunday. Think of the gas you’re saving too! Congratulate yourself and do the happy dance.
4. Once a week, usually on a Monday, spend 30 minutes to an hour going through all the sales ads, taking notes. Cut out all the coupons that you MIGHT need in the next couple of months.
5. Put the coupons in a safe place, such as a box in your home office, to accompany all the other coupons from months and years past.
6. Actually go to the grocery store with a few coupons in hand, excited that you’re getting things that are on sale AND that you get them even cheaper because you’ve got coupons, especially since it’s Double Coupon Day!!! If you get at least one item for free because of all the discounts, do another happy dance.
7. Repeat #4 and #5 for the next several weeks. Admire the growing pile and pat it once in a while.
8. Note that the sale ads and newspapers are starting to pile up under your desk because you haven’t had the time to do # 4 for a while. HOWEVER, note also that you are saving money by NOT buying compost, because now you have all this paper to feed the worms in the compost pile.
9. Note that although you can safely compost the paper so you can grow your own veggies next year (thereby saving MORE money), you can not put the glossies into the compost pile because they’re printed on the wrong paper with the wrong kind of ink. Be happy nevertheless because then they can go straight into the recycling bin. Think how much you’re helping the planet by doing your part. Forget that you pay $$ a month for the recycling service that comes to your curb to pick up your stuff.
10. Note that the coupon pages are also starting to pile up in your box, instead of being cut into individual coupons that are ready-to-use.
11. Go to the grocery store, do your shopping, then come home and stare guiltily at the pile in the box. Belatedly remember that you could have saved $1 on the canola oil and 75 cents on the Cascade. Console yourself with the fact that if you had taken the time to go through the coupons you would have added another 30 minutes to your already long 2-hour menu- and grocery-planning session. Do a happy dance because even though you didn’t save money, you saved TIME.
12. Do #11 a few more times, especially around Thanksgiving and Christmastime when you are busy with cooking and baking.
13. Clean your office, notice the box with the overflowing pile, and decide that it’s time to get rid of some of this trash.
14. Spend 30 minutes going through the pile, discarding any coupons that have already expired. Kick yourself mentally for not saving 55 cents on the Ziploc bags, 25 cents on the Pam spray, and 25 cents on the Domino Organic Sugar.
15. Do #14 at least two more times.
16. Accept that this year’s attempt was a failure and transfer all contents of the box (except all the unexpired coupons that are yellowing with age) to the recycling bin.
17. Recall that over 10 years ago hubby and you came to the conclusion that coupons are just not worth it, especially for people who have a thousand other projects and who will inevitably forget that there are coupons to be used. Recall also that this discussion has been repeated, with the same conclusion, every few years.
18. Decide anyway that NEXT YEAR you will spreadsheet all your coupons so you can sort by Brand, Description, and Expiration Date. Decide also that you will put your coupons in page protectors so they are in neat categories and you won’t ever forget a single one.
19. Get a headache thinking of #18.
20. Estimate quickly in your head that you saved about $10 this year because of the coupons. Focus instead on the weight that you probably lost doing all those happy dances. Do a happy dance one last time. A little one.
21. Cancel the newspaper subscription, forgive yourself, then pray to St. Michael to defend you from the evil that are COUPONS next time you are tempted to try again.

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