Cancel Culture isn’t new, though the phrase is (relatively). People have always cut off ties when relationships no longer work for them. Anyone who has lost friends/a significant other knows this. Social media just made it worse — “friendships” became “easier”, but easy come, easy go — easier, and more visible, and therefore more painful, the suffering more public.

But first, a few disclaimers:

• Acknowledging that we’ve always had to deal with it doesn’t mean it’s not a matter of concern.
• I’m not saying that it’s never the right thing to do.
• I’m talking about individuals cancelling other individuals, not the de-platforming that happens on YouTube or Twitter or Facebook, etc.

People have told me they’ve had to cancel this or that person because he/she was “toxic”. I don’t need to point out that the word toxic is overused. (I was shocked a couple of weeks ago when even my 88-year-old mom used it and she’s never used it to refer to a person before — so I’m assuming she got it from social media.) The first time I heard someone refer to some relationships as “toxic” was 2002, when a friend told me about the book Toxic People: 10 Ways Of Dealing With People Who Make Your Life Miserable. She suggested I read it after I told her about someone I was having to interact with on a regular basis at the time. It might have been good advice, if that person was indeed toxic, but he/she wasn’t, just difficult: someone who had problems and didn’t quite handle them well.

Over the years we’ve had friends cancel us, sadly mostly because of politics. Being on social media, I’ve developed a tolerance for it, but some of my loved ones haven’t, and it’s been heartbreaking watching them go through that. Even hubby, gentle soul that he is, has been canceled by a couple of once-close friends.

This Lent, I’ve been thinking about this particular cross of being canceled by others, and I’d like to share a few insights.

It’s hard, but cancellation could be seen as a gift. Here’s why:

• When I get canceled, the decision has been made for me. Maintaining a relationship/friendship is tricky; in the age of social media, even more so. Once we’re canceled, we no longer have to worry about regular interaction, whether we’re pleasing/offending the other party. We’ve been put into a box.
• That frees me up from overthinking, from agonizing over words, from wondering whether the person is mad at me or not, or if I should initiate contact again, or wait, or what.
• I can most definitely pray, and that is always a gift.

It is hurtful, but bottom line is, if you’ve been cancelled, the chances for reconciliation are low. Note I said low, not impossible. For whatever reason, your presence in that person’s life, right now, is unhelpful.

It’s easier to learn detachment from things… but not people (stating the obvious here). But it can be learned.

Some things we’ve told our kids when they experience being cancelled:

• Not everyone will like you, sometimes not even the people you like the most.
• Try to think of it not as persecution, but as invitation. An invitation to love more. (more on this later)
• Being cancelled by someone makes you appreciate more the people who do stay and continue to want your friendship.
• Most friendships don’t last a lifetime. A handful is enough. People come, people go.
• You will have friends at every stage in life. Mourn the ones you lose, yes, but look forward to the ones you’re going to build in the future. Who knows? You may even reconnect with old friends you’ve lost.
• Eventually you will find your tribe, the people who are willing to die for you and who you’re willing to die for. They are out there.
• For some of us, family is enough. 
• The willingness to keep facing each other, to talk things out depends on many factors like personality, background, communication style, environmental stressors, state in life, of BOTH parties. Just because someone has cancelled you doesn’t mean you’re unworthy of other friendships/relationships.

Like I said, cancellation can be thought of not as persecution (which is how it’s often seen on social media), but as invitation to love more, and in that sense it could be a gift. Sometimes we are not gifted with the right words that our friend needs to hear, and so we end up hurting someone, instead of helping them. Sometimes (mis)communication can get in the way and we end up misunderstanding each other even though we don’t want to… and sometimes there just isn’t anything left to say, because one or both parties have shut down: dialogue has ended. Sometimes hurt people end up hurting others, and there isn’t anything we can do to help heal that primary wound; maybe that task belongs to someone else. But PRAYER! Prayer is ALWAYS something we can give someone, whether they’re aware or not. By praying for the person who cancelled us we are able to love him/her more; we can pray that God provides them with what they need. And God knows what they need even and especially when we don’t.

The devil attacks friendships because holy friendships bring us closer to God. When my friend and I have both our eyes on Jesus we are kinder, more magnanimous, more joyful, more self-sacrificing, more forgiving: more capable of witnessing to the truth of God’s love. The devil doesn’t want that. 

Friendship is like a muscle that needs to be exercised. It can suffer tears, but becomes tougher as it heals and is able to withstand stronger attacks, especially spiritual ones. Look for the ones you can build that muscle with.

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Additional reading on cancel culture:

What Should a Catholic Make of ‘Cancel Culture’?

Catholic Education’s Call in the Face of ‘Cancel Culture’