I haven’t written regularly since July of last year. February was my last blog post. Somewhere along the way, I thought, maybe July would be a great time to start again. But here I am.

I’ve made notes upon notes in my planner of topics I want to write about, and thoughts on a hundred things that strike me or that I encounter… but I’ve stopped myself from actually sitting down and writing because I wanted to respect the workings of the Holy Spirit in my heart. It’s like when you’re falling in love for the first time, and you want to keep things a bit secret, just between you two. And to the extent that I still want to do that, I may not write as much about my innermost feelings and thoughts, until I’m completely ready to do so. For now I’m just here to document and reflect.

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We’ve been back here since Tuesday. I appreciate the break and certainly am enjoying every bit of time with the kids. Enjoying the tasks of the day to day: the laundry, the cooking and menu planning, the lessons with Nino, the grocery shopping.

I appreciate the time away from THAT responsibility, but only because I recognize the need for all of us to breathe a bit every now and then. It is overwhelming, heart-wrenching work, to see Papa as he is now — so unbearably thin, literally skin and bones… and then to have to adjust to his new mental state.

Can’t really tell at this point if the (what seems to be) rapid onset dementia was brought on by possible oxygen deprivation his first 3 nights back at home. The 4th day Mommy saw that there was no longer any water in the concentrator so she refilled it; no idea how long it was empty. But he immediately perked up, asked for food, asked for drink, and was generally “normal” that 4th day… until he asked to see the tax forms and his bank account statements, etc…. and then got fixated on a bank account that he couldn’t balance…. and went into the night agitated and restless and wanting to finish his math. Hardly any sleep for us that night.

The next night he stayed up all night… an extension of Day 5 when he stayed up most of the day in his wheelchair balancing those darned bank records. Hubby and I were able to catch some zzzzz’s despite hubby staying up in the living room looking out for him… but Mommy woke up several times trying to get him to sleep… which he finally did at ~8:30 am.

… and then slept all day and into the night and into the next day at 5:30. And then we had to leave.

My brothers have taken over, including the brother from PA. The reports and stories aren’t fun. Maybe some more problems with the oxygen, which honestly we feel that we’re given too much responsibility in deciding whether Papa is “in distress” or not — we who are not professionals and who can’t tell if it’s distress, dementia, or Papa just being ornery. He was in angry mode the whole day today, including at Mommy, who he now accuses of convincing everyone to go against him. It is sad… though I’m glad that Mommy has a lifetime of beautiful memories with Papa that I’m hoping will sustain her through this time.

Thankful too for the professionals who are walking with us through this. The ICU doctor was particularly compassionate and understanding (he also went to our university here!). And the nurses have all been kind, despite some abusive language (no profanity, but rudeness) from Papa. I’m sure they’ve seen worse.

All in all I am at peace. I can and do sleep well at night. I know that God’s in charge. Sometimes I go through bouts of crying, but it’s mostly when I think about Mommy and Papa — the love they’ve had for each other through all these years… the separation they are facing. If I didn’t know better I’d think it’s just too unfair.

My prayer right now is that Papa is able to process what he needs to process, and able to resign himself to what is happening with his body, with his brain, his spirit. Lots of lessons for us younger ones, and our children, to learn here. Practical ones, for sure, like the need to look into long-term care insurance, the need to detach (still, again, always) from the many many many things that could potentially chain us to this world when we least expect them to. Always the need to draw nearer to Christ, get to know Him, get to know Him now, while it’s early days for us… seek Him in the silence, rest in His arms.