Let me get a couple of things out of the way. My 26-year-old daughter recently got married. She’s also pregnant.
I did hesitate to write this because her story isn’t my story to tell. I don’t write this either to explain away or to say mea culpa. My daughter’s an adult, and I’ll leave it at that.
But I write because sometimes it helps me to process things and get them out of my head where they tend to clutter and cloud. If anything I write today happens to teach or clarify, or to give others hope, I leave that up to the Holy Spirit.
I do have a story for you, one that happened years ago, when my boyfriend and I found ourselves at Planned Parenthood getting a pregnancy test. Believe it or not, we had zero inkling what Planned Parenthood was about at the time, and wouldn’t find out until our oldest was in her teens. We probably would not have gone there had we known any better. It wasn’t an unpleasant experience, probably owing to the fact that we were clueless. They were nice enough, and the only question I remember them asking was whether we were keeping the baby or not. We didn’t think that strange. We thought anyone who wouldn’t want to keep a baby would just put them up for adoption, and that wasn’t a question for us. I do remember that I was the only one there accompanied by a male person. The others were by themselves, or with some female support. Only years later would I even have an inkling of what that implied, or what that day might have been like for them.
My husband and I got engaged that day. He had had the ring for six months, and was just waiting for me to graduate from college to propose. We were married civilly ~3 weeks later and got married in the Church 1 1/2 months later. We’ve been married 28 years.
So why talk about all this now?
Because things have a way of falling into place, and when our daughter got pregnant and told us and her siblings, we decided it was time to tell them our story as well. We had just been waiting for the right time, and it was clear that God was telling us, now’s the time.
That’s the other reason I write this: God’s timing.
Our daughter had been struggling with infertility issues since she was 19, when after several pain-filled episodes — three of which involved fainting in the midst of strangers and being brought to the ER unconscious — we found out that she had endometriosis. I cannot begin to tell you the many nights I spent crying myself to sleep, heartbroken for her who might never become a mom… she who’s wanted to have twelve kids from a young age. She did undergo NaPro surgery a few years ago for the endo, though her other infertility symptoms did not resolve.
When she and her now-husband got together, I remember her worrying whether or not he would be able to handle carrying that cross of infertility with her. But for reasons known only to Him, infertility wasn’t the cross God wanted them to carry together. (I do ask for your prayers that baby is healthy and that she’s able to carry to term.)
Do I question myself as a parent? What I could have done? What I should have done? In a word, no. We all ask these questions. But I honestly am too joyful to dwell on guilt or “what could have beens” too much. I truly only mention this because I know that younger parents around me worry about these things. Read Matthew 6:34.
There are several reasons I don’t worry:
- I’ve written about pro-life issues for the last 10 years or so. That is, of course, nothing compared to those who have been fighting the Culture of Death for decades. But to find myself/ourselves in the midst of a situation that surely calls for pro-life principles to be LIVED and not just written about is a BLESSING. I cannot question God’s timing.
- My family members and I have made our individual consecrations to Jesus through Mary. I echo the claims of many who say that when they made their consecration, their lives changed. Giving it all to Mary and Jesus means I hardly ever worry now about plans that go awry, or that take a different turn. There might be a day I’ll worry again, but now is not that day.
- Everything is a lesson, and everything is grace. I started writing this at Christmastime, while Little Drummer Boy was playing in the background. Like him, sometimes we approach God with our lame attempts, not knowing exactly what it is we are offering, or if we have anything at all to offer. But I have learned that in our journey to holiness, God often takes even our tainted motivations, our less than sincere sacrifices, our half-hearted attempts at faithfulness, and uses them to bring about something greater. It doesn’t matter. God wants us to bring it all to Him anyway.
Holiness is the work of a lifetime. And I say this because I want to give hope to other moms — especially the ones who seem to be constantly plagued with anxiety and dismay: at plans that don’t always work out, at children who have turned away from the faith, or gotten pregnant out of wedlock, or simply lost their way in life.
Our kids are not our own. They have their own faith journeys to complete. We lost that first child, and mourned him (still do from time to time). But then we had our eldest daughter, and the tears turned into dancing. I figure there’s a reason for all this too.
My daughter’s is not my story to tell, so I’ll end here. But do let me share with you one tidbit: she and her husband met at Planned Parenthood, to pray for the unborn. If that is not coming full circle, I don’t know what is.
ETA: We were keeping our posts private/locked for reasons related to jobs, but I got the go signal to go public with this, so I am. 🙂
My daughter’s post. It’s long, she poured her heart out in this one. I hope you read it. ❤
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