A rather lively discussion today at our fraternal household (Cincinnati Couples for Christ) brought on this post — or compilation of thoughts. Like the title says, these are somewhat random and it will maybe take me a while to put all of these into a tight, coherent whole… if it ever happens, heh. Too many drafts in my draft folder that went through this stage, and now they’re just… sitting there.
About boundaries… a visiting brother is asking what specific boundaries to give a 13-yo whose environment is filled with “free-thinkers” — in a place where tolerance, pluralism and modernism are the norms. Where all that’s ever heard is “as long as we don’t hurt anyone, it’s okay”… where “living a happy life” is the goal. (I wonder how they define “happy”. I wonder if they’ve ever heard of happiness co-existing with things such as rules.)
I didn’t get the chance to throw this out there because we went off on tangents and didn’t get back to the question, but one of my first thoughts was that boundaries aren’t something you impose on a 13-year-old. Boundaries are something that a person learns from early childhood. Depending on the age, the capabilities, the personality of the child, the parents, boundaries are going to look different family to family, but boundaries do have to be set. If there are no boundaries to begin with, the sudden imposition of one (or worse, several) at puberty is going to be difficult to say the least. Boundaries are something you kinda grow into, and that at some point as you grow in understanding, you also find comfort in — like knowing that a person won’t (or shouldn’t) just go into your house in the middle of the night to raid your fridge… not because they’ll get shot or put in jail, but just because most of society agrees that that kind of behavior is unacceptable. Growing to appreciate the fact that you can’t/shouldn’t spend beyond your means is another. It’s a comfort, because recognizing and following that boundary leads to peace of mind in the long run — if I don’t overspend, I don’t get stressed trying to figure out how to pay debt off.
So okay, I’m off on tangents again…
Getting back to boundaries. What I did manage to say was that parents need to sit down with their teen and agree on what the non-negotiables are. E.g., no alcohol until you’re 18 (where they are, anyone who’s tall enough to pass as “young adult” can pick up alcohol and pay for it, no questions asked). But sleepovers are negotiable starting at age 15, etc. Of course with so many comedians in the room the jokes inevitably turned to — marijuana is negotiable, etc. LOL. Moving on…
Many other thoughts, but one that stuck with me — and still being discussed between hubby and me — is the concept of obedience. And how it seems (to me at least) that — based on several men I’ve talked to about this, including hubby — men are more comfortable with spanking their children than women are. That men seem to believe boys, especially, need spanking for them to obey. Not frequent spanking, not regular spanking, but the occasional spanking that leads them to think “I better not do that anymore”.
I am of the persuasion — as I think a lot of Catholic homeschooling moms are — that obedience is something that has to be taught gently. That the #1 thing about obedience is that it’s a by-product of LOVE rather than FEAR. One concrete example from our family: sometimes our children misbehave WHILE praying, e.g., running around and tickling each other while praying the Rosary. One evening hubby threatened them with a belt swat if they didn’t stop. I later pointed out (privately) that the picture of a man with a Rosary in one hand and a belt in the other isn’t exactly inspiring. (This same story elicited jokes and guffaws from a bunch of people in the room today. Why? Don’t ask. Something about Voltes V.)
My point is that I want our children to pray because they’re doing it out of love for God, not out of fear of a belt swat. I just don’t think prayer works that way. I have this image of our children, all grown, and thinking back, considering if they should pray or not, and SINCE Dad is not around to give the belt swat, may find it easier to just not pray… the love of God all forgotten, because the object of fear is no longer present. Not a comforting thought.
Several men (and later on hubby) still think that because they got spanked, AND still grew up to be prayerful, Godly men, that it’s all okay. That certain boys NEED to be brought to ATTENTION via the belt swat so they can obey. Hmm…. this is just something I don’t think we’ll ever agree on. Not that I’ve never spanked my children. I do remember some days that I did. But it never gave me much comfort or made me feel confident in my parenting skills, and I never came out of it thinking “that taught them” or “that worked” — so it didn’t become a permanent part of my “parenting repertoire”, if you will. And yes, I was spanked too, and yes, I think for the most part I did deserve it. And yes, I did grow up, “okay”. I don’t have nightmares about being hit or lingering resentments for my parents whom I love to death… but still.
One of the things that puzzled me was that two dads expressed the thought that the concept I’m after — that kids should be taught to do things out of love and not out of fear — isn’t something that young children would easily grasp. I totally disagree, for many reasons.
One of the first things that a child learns to say to his/her parent are the words “I love you.” Come on, what parent hasn’t taught their child to say that back to them? It’s a moment every parent lives for — when the child says “I love you” to them without being prompted. It just makes EVERYTHING worth it. It’s especially heartwarming when it’s a teen who says it… but again I digress.
So this “I love you” thing. Wouldn’t it be the most natural thing in the world though, to follow it up with lessons on how to show what “I love you” means? “I love you” isn’t just saying it, it doesn’t always have to be accompanied by a hug or a kiss… but kids just learning the concept of love could very well be taught that love means some ACTION. And often this action translates to OBEDIENCE. As in “you love Mommy.” Do you want to show Mommy how much you love her? Then you obey. Right away.
(Because Mom will never tell you to do something that’s bad for you. Mom will never lie to you. Mom won’t tell you to do things that will hurt you. Mom will not purposely lead you astray. But those explanations can come later…)
Isn’t that how we’re supposed to love God anyway? We do things to please Him… not because we are afraid of punishment or of incurring His wrath, but because loving Him means doing the things that we know make Him happy? We even say it when we confess our sins:
and I detest all my sins, because I dread the loss of heaven, and the pains of hell;
but most of all because they offend Thee, my God, Who are all good and deserving of all my love.
So while it may be alright to obey out of a fear of punishment, the greater obedience is one that’s fueled by love.
And if this is a concept that we don’t feel we can/should teach children at a young age, then when do we?
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